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This is the problem that the media chooses to ignore, and which both sides of the debate fail to acknowledge.Īs such a man’s identity evolves, there will be an excited “discovery of my True Self,” followed by disillusionment, then a new “real discovery of my True Self,” and then again, disillusionment. Gender-identity conflict and attraction to men are only surface symptoms. For these men, their deepest-level problem is not about sexual orientation but about something more fundamental: identity, attachment and belonging. The original source of this struggle is not the more obvious problem in bonding with the father, but a breach in the primary attachment with the mother. I will, however, speak of psychological patterns I have seen in other SSA (same-sex attracted) men who have gone from “ex-gay” back to “gay” in their lifestyles.įor many SSA men, the deepest problem they must wrestle with is not sexual identity, but core identity. I will not speculate about his own interior processes, because I do not know them. Rather, his sexual-identity change evolved as a result of his Christian conversion.Īs John tells his own story, he is a man who always felt unloved and who always searched for identity and belonging.
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Second, in his testimony, John advises against Reparative Therapy, but he himself has never been in Reparative psychotherapy. There is an inherent risk in the ex-gay movement’s reliance on any public spokesperson. But now, all that life has crumbled.Īs a reparative therapist who has worked with thousands of homosexually oriented men seeking change, I believe I am in a unique position to speculate on these recent events.įirst, John’s story is a cautionary tale about ex-gay celebrity. He also had a key position with Focus on the Family, where he became a well-known media figure testifying to his commitment to heterosexual family life and the traditional, Biblical understanding of sexuality, which holds that a gay identity is a false construct, not part of our human design. But his Christian conversion led him into a stark change: marriage with Anne, a former lesbian and a committed Christian woman dedicated to an orthodox understanding of family and sexuality, with whom he raised three sons, now teenagers. Prior to his Christian conversion, he assumed an identity as “Candi,” a cross-dressing and drug-using prostitute, immersing himself in the wilder and more anti-social aspects of the gay world. Long ago, John emerged from a very troubled past. He has renounced his former married life to a woman and is now discouraging others from attempting change. Ex-gay spokesman John Paulk left his wife and three sons after more than 20 years of marriage and rejoined the gay community.